Today is the day.
The day I tell my daughter she's not going back to school this fall.
The day I attempt to explain that healing her heart is more important than reading, writing and arithmetic. That it's more important than computers and science and social studies. More important than gym class and art and music and field trips and recess.
More important than friends.
Today is the day I have to tell her, and I have no idea how she'll take the news.
Could she be excited to stay home with Mom? Will she start throwing tantrums again? Start one of her downward cycles? Will she be sad? Angry? Confused? Thrilled? I just don't know.
How do I get her to understand that she needs to learn to love me...she needs to learn to love her family before any other relationships can be anything but dangerous. Grandparents, teachers, Sunday school teachers, aunts and uncles, cousins, friends. They are all dangerous.
School is dangerous.
And I need to learn to love her, too, beyond caring for her...providing for her...disciplining her...tolerating her. She needs love that can't wait to gather her up in its arms and hold on tight forever and ever. Love that bakes cookies and reads books and snuggles down deep under covers. Love that giggles and tells secrets and paints toenails and has imaginary tea parties in make-believe castles. Love that treasures her.
She needs that kind of love.
It's time to stop escaping from her. It's time to stop sending her off to school, turning a blind eye to the damage that is nurtured there year after year after year. Sending her to school has been my way of staying sane for the last five years, my way of surviving the task of raising her. But the time has come. God has spoken, and this year Miss M comes first. Before me, before what I want, before what I think I need. First. For probably the only time in her whole entire life to this point.
God has asked, I've accepted. I've stopped bargaining...stopped looking for a way out...but the truth is, I'm terrified of homeschooling her. Terrified of being with her all day, every day. Of having no place to escape. I'm mourning the loss of my time with my baby boys, who will need to share my attention. I'm frustrated that I'm sending my baby girl off to kindergarten when I would so much rather homeschool her than her sister. I'm sad, too, that my oldest son is going off to sixth grade, and he would love to stay home with me. I know he'll be upset that Miss M is being homeschooled and he can't be. He'll be jealous. And angry. And I'll understand completely.
But this year, Miss M comes first. Her healing comes first.
I feel like God is asking an awful lot from me. An awful lot from my other kids, as well. He must really love my daughter. When this year is over, this year of forced togetherness, I hope I can finally feel it too.
Today is the day. Now is the moment. I have to tell her.
God be with me.
To read about my struggle in making this decision, click here.
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oh lisa!!! i have been praying and now i know today is the day. my heart is quivering for you. i won't stop praying today. today will probably be the easy part. the hard part is the next nine months. it isn't fair. it is asking a lot. asking so much. asking more than is humanly possible. you already know this...but i just want you to know that i know too. i know it is only becuase of Christ in you that you would do anything this hard. this sacrificial. this crazy. i will pray sister. i will cheer. i will mourn with you and rejoice with you. you are laying your life down and i can't think of anything more beautiful.
ReplyDeleteI have prayed for you about this since we talked during dance last year. Please reach out to me during the day, I'm home!
ReplyDeleteIs it strange to say I'm proud of you? Well, I am. Not because I'm a homeschool mom, but because you heard God speak, and you said OK. You are about to begin the most difficult and rewarding and wonderful school-year ever. I just know it.
ReplyDeleteYou and I are sisters. A friend shared your blog with me after you posted about raising an unattached child. I too am raising a son who is fighting me to attach. Last Christmas we decided not to send him back to school. After him being sent home at least 10 times from Sept. to Dec. we decided that it was time to bring him home. I was terrified and excited about spending the entire day with him. Would I have anything left to give my other 4 children when they came home? I gave up the freedom that came from having everyone in school. I gave up a potential job that I had dreamed about for a long time. I too felt God calling me to put A first. He needed to build that relationship with me before he could add the many people at school. He needed to trust me more than the "strangers" he encountered throughout his day. He needed me to tell him he was not stupid because he couldn't grasp a concept immediately. It was not easy. I had many days I wish I could push the do over button. We did see changes in A, though. We saw his anxiety go down and his confidence go up. He still has explosions, often. But they are much shorter lived now. I also found that because I had given him my day when the other kids came home, he was more content to let me spend time with them. His tank had been filled (at least as much as he would allow). I will be praying for you and I would cherish your prayers as we both enter homeschooling with our kiddos.
ReplyDeleteLeigh