The Bad, the Good, the Great and the Ugly

Saturday, we had an overwhelming day.  It began in the usual sort of way for our big, unorganized family.  Frustratingly.  By the time we had finally gathered all the things we needed and accomplished all the tasks that needed to be done, our slightly temperamental vanful of people pulled out of the driveway about an hour later than planned.  And as if we weren't late enough, we then waited for twelve minutes in the Burger King drive-thru for the breakfast we 'didn't have time' to eat at home.

It was a bad morning.

Our first destination of the day was a two mile walkathon called the "LifeWalk".  This is our family's new tradition, collecting pledges and walking together to support our local Pregnancy Resource Center.  In our kids' words, raising money to help babies in their mommies' tummies, and to help moms know their babies are special.  All of our kids got involved, and together we raised $200 for something we believe in. 

It was a good thing to do.

After the walk, my parents took the kids, and adoring hubby and I went out for the day.  Alone.  Without the children.  Okay, so we brought the baby with us, but it was still the first time we've been relatively alone for even a few hours since well before he was born. 

While out, we did something else that we don't ever do: we spent money on each other!  Quite a bit of money, by our standards, and it was a little overwhelming to buy expensive gifts.  But it also felt really significant- ten years of marriage should be marked by something a bit on the extravagant side, don't you think?  I feel a little scandalous right now not wearing a wedding ring (especially walking around with five children!), but I can't wait to have it back complete with my new anniversary band!

We had an awesome time together, one of those perfect 'throwback to dating' days with no agenda.  We talked, we fed the baby, we shopped, we went out for lunch, we fed the baby, we looked at diamonds, we bought diamonds (yay!), we fed the baby, we laughed, we had ice cream.  Just like dating...except the baby part.  At the end of our "alone" time, we were refreshed, and we remembered why we usually like each other. 

It was a great day. 

We picked up the kids, who had been to the kite festival with Grandma and Papa, and got an excellent report on their behavior for the day.  But almost instantly, I could tell that Miss M had no intention of making the evening easy for us.  She intended to make us miserable.  Over the next couple of hours, she did her best to ruin the day.

I won't go into detail, but the evening culminated in the kind of tantrum that forces one parent to physically restrain the little-girl-turned-animal creature for hours, while the other parent gathers the four remaining kids into the furthest corner of the house and watches a movie (or listens to music) at an abnormally loud volume.  They wouldn't be able to sleep anyway, and at least this way, while the screams can still be heard, the blasphemy and disrespect is drowned out. 

Sometimes my husband and I have to relieve eachother from the restraining duty.  It's physically, emotionally, and spiritually exhausting, and her rages test our dependence on Christ like nothing else.  This particular tantrum was a payback for going out on our date, a bold statement of "I don't need you. I've got Grandma and Papa and their love isn't threatening to me", mixed with too much excitement and too little sleep.

It was ugly. 

But such is life. 

Sometimes it's bad, sometimes it's good, sometimes it's great, and sometimes it's ugly. 

In our case, it's often the good and the great that cause the ugly.  But we can't stop seeking out the great because it brings the ugliness with it.  It's good for us.  It teaches us.  The bad makes the good great, and the ugly makes the great glorious.  The trick is finding the joy, or at least the peace, in all of it...and learning to rely on God no matter what the day brings.

Burritos + Hockey = Love

Yesterday my husband and I celebrated our tenth anniversary.  Years ago, we had planned to celebrate our tenth anniversary by taking a second honeymoon to the west coast to see the Redwoods and Giant Sequoias.  Instead, we ordered take-out burritos and listened over the radio as the Detroit Red Wings lost game seven of their playoff series.

I know what you're thinking.  Nothing says romance like big bean burritos and hockey. 

But we weren't completely without romance; I discovered a dozen roses waiting for me after my husband left for work in the morning (actually eleven roses, as a cat had eaten one during the night), and we exchanged love letters during the day.  We fed the kids dinner, put them to bed, and had the rest of the evening to ourselves....and the baby....and the Red Wings.  It was a nice, companionable evening, although I suppose it could have been better.  The Red Wings could have won.  Stupid Red Wings.

Don't worry, hubby and I will be going out on a "real" date next week, and exchanging anniversary gifts for the first time in our marriage.  We've agreed that this anniversary is one we want to commemorate with something big (though we had a baby instead of seeing the Redwoods).  Ten years is an important milestone, after all.  Especially with all we've made it through. 

Ten years ago, I married my best friend.  The only person that could make me laugh any time and anywhere, and that made the dullest of my moments come to life.  Passionate about music and creativity and intelligence, he loved me when I feared no one ever really would.  And so I married him.

We've done the usual in our marriage:  gotten new jobs, became first-time homeowners, redecorated our home, purchased cars, acquired cats, became parents for the first time.

We've done the unusual:  acquired LOTS of cats, formed a band, sung at coffee shops, recorded a CD, adopted older children with special needs, had a surprise pregnancy, became parents for the fifth time.

We've experienced the good:  camping, car trips, family vacations, picnics, bike rides, late-evening badminton games, hours of Boggle...or Yahtzee...or Skip-Bo, cuddling in front of a movie, two adoptions, the births of three babies, watching our babies grow- first smiles, first steps, first words.

And also the bad:  the death of our favorite cat, the loss of beloved grandparents, two tough deliveries with terrifying moments, a baby born with a noticeable birth defect, two children with attachment problems, hours of raging tantrums- feeling helpless, hopeless, angry and ineffective as parents.

But there's more.  In our ten years of marriage, we've also been through addictions, painful confessions and altercations.  We've at times been completely devoid of trust and intimacy.  We've been heartbroken and afraid.  We've had moments when we didn't think it would work, when it felt like there was nothing worth saving.  There came a time, though, now several years ago, that we were able to celebrate my husband's salvation and turn our marriage over to Jesus.  It was then that we learned something:

No marriage is perfect, even if it looks like it from the outside.  Some people are just better at building a facade than others. 

We all bring our own sins and our own baggage with us into our marriages, and they are bound to affect it.  But the same ugly hurts and betrayals that Satan uses to destroy marriages can be used by God to strengthen them ...if only we will let Him.

Ten years ago, I married my best friend.  We're still best friends, but it's been quite a decade.  We've laughed, we've cried, we've loved, we've hurt.  We've walked our own way, and we've walked with Jesus; we're learning what it means to die to ourselves and serve each other...to wash one another's feet.  One thing is for certain: we know way more about true love- Christ's love for us and our love for each other- than we did on our wedding day.

To my wonderful, God-fearing, hilarious, musical genius (snob) of a good-looking husband:  after all Jesus has brought us through, I would still marry you all over again.  Let's go see the Redwoods at twenty years...K?  Stupid Red Wings.