It's starting to hurt again.
The bad days, the bad behavior, the bad attitude.
The disrespect, the lying, the words spoken out in absolute unreasonable anger.
It's hurting like crazy again, which means I've allowed the walls around my heart to crumble. Crack. Crash down to the ground, which scares the heck out of me.
My heart is unprotected.
I've done it again. I've allowed the love I have for this hurt little girl to get the best of me, and it makes the good days oh so much better...beautiful, really. It makes my heart soar. It makes me happy, and my daughter happy, and it breathes a spark of life into the precious bond that's blossoming before my eyes.
The good days are so good right now.
But the bad days are so bad, and I can't even explain how much it hurts.
It sounds cruel, perhaps. It isn't purposeful. When someone hurts you day after day after day for years on end, rejects you, spews hate at you, I suppose it's human nature to protect your heart. To not allow yourself to get too close or to care too much. To become almost hard-hearted and indifferent, building walls sky-high, for then you aren't caught off-guard when the inevitable happens again.
A sturdy wall never leaves you shattered and broken, scrambling to pick up the pieces of your heart.
But a sturdy wall never leaves room to build a bridge between two wounded hearts, either.
My pain is necessary for my daughter to heal.
Like the birthing of a baby, when the labor pains are so excruciating you feel you can't possibly go on for one more fraction of a moment, and then somehow you endure, and you persevere, and you set all the determination of your spirit on the one thing you know you must do. At the end of all that pain, there's the unspeakable joy of having brought a whole new child into the world, and you know you would go through all that pain again and again for the miracle of that child.
I didn't birth this daughter, but I'm laboring for her all the same.
At the end of all this pain, this labor of love, I believe I'll have the unspeakable joy of having brought a whole new child into the world. A whole, happy, healthy, loved and loving, securely attached child.
And I know I'd go through it all again for the miracle of that child.
I cried out today: "God, help me to love her whole-heartedly, with everything in me. I can't do it on my own. No matter how much it hurts, Lord, help me love her with my whole heart."
Softly, He spoke to my soul: "You already do."
My Father is so good to me, He's with me on my way.
He watches every step I take, He hears each word I say.
Sometimes He smiles at my attempts, sometimes He hangs His head,
Sometimes His strong arms hold me up when I've left myself for dead.
No matter all the ugliness that's left my sinful tongue,
No matter all my gross misdeeds, the sorry tunes I've sung,
My Father has not left my side, not even for a day.
He'll walk with me through this dark night. Oh, Father, lead the way.