He's been gone for just short of two solid years.
And yes, there is definitely some anxiety going on behind the doors of this white farmhouse tucked between mile-high cornstalks. Anxiety that, when left unchecked - unsurrendered - threatens to grow as thick and dense as those fields just bursting with the fruit of harvest.
Unsurrendered.
How often in my life I have refused to surrender. How frequently I have given in to pride and self-sufficiency and just plain-old stubbornness and walked the winding trail of my own choosing, believing it would lead me off into rollicking fields and a blissful orange sunset. And how often I've instead emerged torn and bleeding, fallen into the snare of my own path. What a disappointment I must be: a willful child that refuses to learn except by trial and error, refuses to believe that God's way is good and perfect and, while not always easy, indisputably in my own best interest. If only I didn't need to learn the hard way.
When will I learn to surrender?
In sleepless hours, I lie and think about all the things that could go wrong. All the things that did go wrong in the months before my son's departure. They were hell, those months. For me, for my husband, for our entire family. Hell.
Sometimes I wonder about the wisdom in bringing him home...in subjecting our little ones to the possibilities of his return. Depending on the hour of thought and the darkness of that night, those possibilities can seem horrifying. Too much for me to bear.
And then I think of that willful child, emerging from the wilderness torn and bleeding. Humiliated, with no place left to go except into the awaiting arms of the Father.
He has never once turned me away.
Father God, I praise You for second chances. For new beginnings. For love that reaches into the very depths of infinity, and soothes my wounded spirit time and again like the kiss of summer sun on golden fields. I praise You for Your faithfulness.
May we welcome home our wayward son with the same indescribable, unfailing love.
______________________________________________________________________
Standing on this mountaintop
Looking just how far we’ve come
Knowing that for every step
You were with us
Kneeling on this battle ground
Seeing just how much You’ve done
Knowing every victory
Was Your power in us
Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Yes, our hearts can say
Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
Kneeling on this battle ground
Seeing just how much You’ve done
Knowing every victory
Was Your power in us
Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Yes, our hearts can say
Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Never once did we ever walk alone
Carried by Your constant grace
Held within Your perfect peace
Never once, no, we never walk alone
Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
Every step we are breathing in Your grace
Evermore we’ll be breathing out Your praise
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
Looking just how far we’ve come
Knowing that for every step
You were with us
Kneeling on this battle ground
Seeing just how much You’ve done
Knowing every victory
Was Your power in us
Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Yes, our hearts can say
Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
Kneeling on this battle ground
Seeing just how much You’ve done
Knowing every victory
Was Your power in us
Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Yes, our hearts can say
Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Never once did we ever walk alone
Carried by Your constant grace
Held within Your perfect peace
Never once, no, we never walk alone
Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
Every step we are breathing in Your grace
Evermore we’ll be breathing out Your praise
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
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