Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Red Tape

Red Tape.  Lots and lots and lots of it.

We're trying to cut through it, trying to go around it, trying to avoid it. 
But they don't call it red tape for nothing.  And right now, we're running into it every step we take.

Mr. J is currently at the local Juvenile Detention facility.  On Sunday, he began threatening to kill my husband and myself as well as our unborn son, and he even went into explicit detail as to how he planned to accomplish this.  And if it says anything about the mental state of our son, after screaming "I want to kill you!" over a hundred times, he paused in mid-threat and said calmly "I want a drink.  I'm thirsty.  Can I have my water bottle?"


Because of the length of Sunday's rage and the huge scale of the threats Mr. J was hurling at us, we had no choice but to call the police...again.  For the fourth time.  We're actually getting to know a couple of the officers now, and they are familiar with our situation.  The difference on Sunday, though, was that Mr. J didn't shrink into a ball and choose to calm down.  This time he made the same threats against us in their presence, smashed his fist into his bedroom window in anger, shattering it, and then assaulted two police officers.  They were not amused.

Our son was arrested. 
Put in the back of a police car.
Driven away.

And now he's locked up in Juvenile Detention for ten days...supposedly enough time to figure out how to keep our family safe, and to (hopefully) decide what the next step for Mr. J is going to be.

And now comes the Red Tape.

There are very few facilities that specialize in treating RAD children and truly understand the different methods needed to reach these traumatized kids.  Most residential treatment facilities use a "behavioral modification" method, which is a series of privileges earned and lost by the child as he/she chooses behaviors.  When the behavior is good, privileges are gained.  When it's not good, there are consequences.  This is not a bad method.  In fact, it's the method that is used in most families, including ours.

The problem is, it doesn't work with attachment disordered children.

If you're interested in learning why, here is an excellent explanation that I found:

We desperately want our son to be in a facility that will actually help him, not one that will give him the opportunity to feel in control by manipulating the system as he has done at home.  If he is going to be away from us for a year or more, we want him to spend that time healing!  And in the meantime, now that we understand how sick he is, we need to implement some of those same attachment techniques into our home in order to ease a transition back into our family. 

But all of the facilities that specialize in attachment are in other states, and all are astronomically in up to twice the cost of our home.   

Insurance will do anything to get out of paying, or so it seems, and adoption medical subsidy will only pay for facilities within two hundred miles (all attachment facilities are significantly further).  To our knowledge, school funding will only help pay if our child has an IEP or has been labeled as emotionally impaired at school, which will not happen because our son has his "mask" on at school.  We need to get him a proper childhood trauma assessment, but the waiting list is months long.  We need to somehow get the attention of people who know the right people who are willing to help.

It seems that all the avenues of getting funding that we are exploring are more interested in money and documentation and red tape than in what is best for our son.  We could get funding for one of those behavioral modification residential treatment centers (those within two hundred miles of our home) that would probably do nothing but make him sicker, not addressing any of the attachment issues that are at the root of all his problems.

This makes no sense to us.  Why is the state willing to pay for something nearby that won't help, but refuses to pay for something further away that could change our son's life?  Why won't they give him a chance?

We want our son to heal.  We want to give him the best opportunity at life that we possibly can, and we want him to become who God created him to be before the trauma and neglect of his early childhood wreaked havoc on his brain. 

We don't just want to send him away...
get rid of him...
get him out of our hair.

He's our son. 
We want to help him heal.

Somehow, God, please help us cut through all the Red Tape before we lose our son for good, before his choices take him in a direction from which he can't escape.  And if we, as his parents, are not following the path you've chosen, please make that clear, too...and then show us where you want us to go from here.

Feel free to pass this on as you feel led.  We never know what ways God will use to provide us with the wisdom and advice and help that we need to accomplish what He wants to accomplish...and we're in need of as many prayers as we can get!


  1. Look up Holly Meyers and the case of thier adopted child. Ottawa county paid almost $300,000 for his care in New Mexico with the promise of reunification. They did not do it due to his behavior, ottawa county got stuck with the bill. The state is pretty strict with it comes to money. This happened quite a few years ago but it is well worth looking into to gain an understanding. I hope you are able to get somewhere with all the hoops they are making you jump through.

  2. I wish that I had known about Calo school last year when we were desperately searching for the right school for our daughter. We never did find one and circumstances did not improve. She is no longer with us.

  3. I came across your blog a few weeks ago, but hadn't actually read a whole post until tonight. As I read it, I felt the Lord leading me to write to you, so I'm going on faith that you won't scoff at, reject, or ignore the truth I have to share:
    I know the world calls it RAD, but any opposition to healing...any opposition to happiness...any opposition to healthy attachments are orchestrated by the devil. A spirit of anger, fear, and rejection are burdening your son. The oppression is stronger than him and now bigger and more dangerous than you and your husband. There are no meds, no therapies, no counseling that can liberate your son. He is in spiritual bondage. Only the redeemer, our Lord and Saviour can break that bondage. The power of His name is stronger than any "RAD diagnoses". It's stronger than the spirit of fear that controls your sons moods and actions. I know...I was a RAD kid. I was scared of everyone and everything. Scared to get close. Scared to be alone. And angry with everyone who would take the blame. But, I repented of my hate, my anger, my fear, my bitterness, unforgiveness...and I rebuked the spirits that had claim on my life in the name of JESUS...the mighty name we are given through our adoption heritage into the kingdom of God. And with that name is the power to break curses, to turn hearts, to save souls, and to fight Satan's bondage on our souls.
    Yes, I am talking about rebuking spirits...casting out demons. If this freaks you out, then you don't know your Bible very well. Read the book of Matthew, or Mark 16, or Luke 4...The devil is a reality. When modern Christianity sweeps evil, demonic oppression and possession under the rug along with personal accountability and makes Satan's strategy that much more powerful. When God said, "my people are destroyed for lack of knowledge", He meant the devil uses ignorance, deception, and naivity to strenghten his game. The Lord gives us truth, and the devil helps us live in denial. The Lord gives us knowledge, and the devil helps us skeptically reject it. The Lord directs us to NOT be "ignorant of the devil's devices". Ignorance can mean giving evil an abiguous title like "RAD" and relying on the world's resources to "fix" it. Ignorance can mean trying to muster up as much super-parent patience you can get and love it all away. We can NOT DO ANYTHING by our own might or power. Use the resources that the Lord has given you: PRAY!! FAST and PRAY for the wisdom to free your son from this bondage. FAST AND PRAY for the courage to face these demons. FAST AND PRAY for understanding to use the POWER of Jesus's name to rebuke Satan's hold on him. Meditate on God's holy word and pray for discernment. I will be praying for your family.

    "And Jesus rebuked the devil; and he departed out of him: and the child was cured from that very hour." - Matthew 17:18

    1. I don't disagree with you at all. We are Bible-educated, Bible-believing Christ followers, and have overwhelmingly experienced the power of Satan in our home, especially through our RAD kids. We are working closely with our church, our elders and pastors...have hundreds of people praying for us. We've had the elders pray over our son and family. Unfortunately, our son is not in a place right now to acknowledge or recognize the truth of Christ's freedom. Our hope is not in the medical world, in attachment therapy, in medication, or anything else...our hope is in Christ. But in order to allow our son the best chance to understand this for himself, we need to get him to a place that will understand him and help him regulate his thoughts and emotions so that he can allow Christ to work in his heart. He's not mentally and emotionally there right now.

      And yes, while Satan does have an incredible hold on his life (because of his past trauma), there is a physical side as well. Neglected/traumatized children's brains (on brain scans) actually look very different than the brains of those who have not endured such trauma in their first few years. There are entire areas of the brain that show no activity...dark spaces where there should be light. Their brains don't physically work the same as others, so somehow they have to relearn.

      We are trying to address every aspect of RAD in our kids...the physical, the mental, the emotional, and absolutely the spiritual. Their experiences in their early years made them easy targets for Satan. We've seen how he torments them, and it is our desire to follow God's will in both of their lives to give them the best possible opportunity to experience His this world and the next. We are certainly praying about what God wants us to do next. But in this world, with its views on the spiritual world, and with all the different people now involved, we have to tread carefully...for the sake of our family.

      Thanks so much for speaking truth and for not being afraid of the world's view of Satan and those who believe in his influence. God bless.

  4. Ah yes, the red tape and the people who would rather pay for close by crap than what would actually help our kids.
    Unfortunately, we know it too well.
    What we have also learned is that counties are light-years different in how they will spend their money on kids.
    This is why we have left Kent County, will never go back, and are moving to Ottawa County upon our return.
    We tried every avenue possible to get better help for Coop, in every district in the county, only to be met with every excuse they could come up with.
    Have you considered moving?
    I know you just did; I know you're in your dream house and pregnant and it would be far, but...
    I hated the idea of being 30 minutes away from my friends, my family, and my church. And you would have to go farther, but...
    There are so many things to consider. When does the needs of one trump the needs of his siblings and parents? Ugh...
    No easy answers, cous, I'm so sorry. :(
    Praying for clarity and God' peace. He DOES have a plan, you CAN do all things thru Him who gives you strength. Even tho you are in that valley of the shadow of satan, you WILL NOT FEAR! For He IS with you!!
    Lori VP

  5. I have been through RAD with my 17 year old daughter. I would be happy to give you some information/resources that were helpful. Amy Vogel

  6. I am sending you this info only because I have two friends who used him with great results.
    You may have already heard of him. I so don't want to throw just any info out there lightly. I am praying for your family.

  7. As far as the phsyical "RAD" children there are usually retained primitive reflexes from developmental stages that were neglected. That's why a brain scan reveals discrepencies. Look in to Reflex Therapies...especially the Moro (related to fear) reflex. There are simple exercise you could do with both children that will help their brain work through those "dark areas" and help them function without the compensation and stress they have to work with now. One of the exercises is called "The Starfish (" ) and I have seen it COMPLETELY change a life. Another is "the bridge"...they have books, programs, videos....and other material you can find (although it's not easy) to discern what challenge your child is facing and which reflex is still present. I'd like to help in anyway if I can. I still believe your husband has the spiritual authority in your home and although your son may not be "ready" to understand spiritual matters himself, the Lord has given your husband the power to protect his home and family using the power of Jesus' name. Strongholds are another issue, but you can conquer those too. Here is a helpful resource: They have children's programs, reading and resource material.....and seminars you can attend. I know A LOT of lives that have been changed by what they learned and experienced through their programs. Including my own victory over fear and bitterness.
    I really really encourage you to look in to all of this. I wish there is more I can do, but I will continue to pray.