Seven Days Ago

A foot away from me, snoozing away, lies the tiniest of miracles.

A living, breathing, nursing, pooping, and tinkling little miracle that smells of baby shampoo and slightly curdled milk, and whose cry can send me into a hormonal tailspin in a matter of seconds.

I cherish those smile-inducing sighs of contentment, and those trusting round eyes that bore into my very soul, melting my heart into a river of tears that cascades down my cheeks onto that sweet baby face.

This tiny miracle...my baby son.


Love is far too shallow a word to describe the feelings I have for you, little one...

...the warmth of your fuzzy-soft skin against my chest, and the beautiful calm that fills us both.


Priceless is far too empty a word to describe your value, sweet boy...

...to your Creator, to your Mama and Daddy, to your brothers and sisters, to the world. 


Such worth cannot be spoken, or thought, or even imagined.  

You are fearfully and wonderfully made.

The pages of your life are already fully written with your story, with the works that have been prepared for you to accomplish.  Those you will love, those you will help, those you will influence and inquire of and impact...those pages of your life are already planned and awaiting the turning of your little hands as you start out on your journey, my tiny son.

Seven days ago today, you began that journey in this great big world...outside of your safe haven beneath Mama's heart. 

Seven days ago, I first held you in my arms, and I knew you were special.  Unique.  One-of-a-kind.  A masterpiece, just like every other baby, and yet at the same time unlike any other baby that will ever be.

Seven days ago, my eyes got their first glimpse of the miracle of who you are. 

And you are astounding.

_______________________________________________________________________

Seven days ago, I finally got to meet my darling baby boy. 
But eight days ago, in some places, I could legally have killed him.

It's not lost on me that my son's last day in the womb, eight days ago, was also the day our country "celebrated" the 40th anniversary of Roe v. Wade, of which no baby has ever heard, but countless have fallen victim to.  There is little value for life in our world.  We can make a difference by loving and valuing the life of every person...no matter their difficulties or disabilities... from the first division of their beautifully created cells to the last beating of their hearts.

Call Me Crazy

My husband and I have been thinking a lot about children lately.  And how could we not, when our lives are overrun with so many of the cute little beasts?  When we got married, we never dreamed that our family would look like it does now.  Four kids in two years:  two babies born to us and two kids adopted along with their trauma, and then a surprise "birth-control baby" three years later.  From zero to five in five years. 

Crazy.

Or at least that's what I've been told.  I don't feel crazy.  Not exactly, anyway.  Is life hectic?  Yes.  Is there always something going on?  Yes.  Does someone always need something at any given time of the day and (often) night?  Yes.  Do I feel like I can't catch up on laundry or sleep or cleaning or shopping or organizing or scheduling?  Yes.  And have I had to give up an awful lot of myself to pour into my family?  Yes.

Does that make me crazy? 

And what would you say if I told you that we'll probably end up with more kids?  Would you tell me that I'm crazy?  Probably.  And maybe you would be right.  Maybe I am crazy.

But here's the deal:  we believe that children are blessings.  (Of course, we also believe that children are pains in the heiney, but for the sake of argument, we'll stick with "blessings").  The world would agree that children are blessings, but only up to a certain point.  When a young married couple is expecting their first baby, everyone considers the child a blessing.  When they're expecting their second, the baby is still a blessing.  When they're pregnant with their third child, it's unofficially expected that this will be their last child, especially if the family has children of both genders, and if they announce they're expecting a fourth, the couple is deemed to be a bit eccentric. 

But when do they become crazy, I want to know?  When they have five children?  Eight?  Ten?  And what number of children can a family have before their next baby ceases to be a blessing? 

Is the unexpected birth-control baby still a blessing?  I know mine is.  What about the child with special needs?  I know mine is.  What about the one with a birth defect?  Is he still a blessing?  I know mine is.  What about the child that makes your house feel too small?  Or your finances seem too stretched?  Whose pregnancy weight you just can't lose?  What about the child that makes you give up your career?  Forces you to buy a van?  Causes you to give up designer clothes and shoes and bags...or even just daily showers?

What about the one that finally makes you so busy that you don't have time to be selfish anymore?  What a blessing that child would be to me!

I absolutely believe that God's perfect will is different for each of His children, and I strongly doubt that He expects every family to have as many children as they possibly can.  He did give us free will, after all, as well as other ministries outside of child-rearing.  Having said that, I also believe that many Christian couples attempt to plan their families without ever consulting God; without praying and asking for His direction.  They factor in everything else:  jobs, income, housing, college, personal freedom and ambition and more, and they make their decisions based solely on their own desires and ideas, never wondering if God might have something different for them.

And all I'm saying is that my husband and I don't have peace about declaring our family complete.  We both feel certain that He has plans for us, but He has yet to reveal them:  maybe more babies, maybe more adoption, maybe more foster care, and maybe all three.  Possibly He's just waiting for the right time to tell us we're done.  But until we hear definitively from Him, we're trusting that He'll lead us where He wants us to go.

And if that makes me crazy, then I wear the title with pride.


  

The Bad, the Good, the Great and the Ugly

Saturday, we had an overwhelming day.  It began in the usual sort of way for our big, unorganized family.  Frustratingly.  By the time we had finally gathered all the things we needed and accomplished all the tasks that needed to be done, our slightly temperamental vanful of people pulled out of the driveway about an hour later than planned.  And as if we weren't late enough, we then waited for twelve minutes in the Burger King drive-thru for the breakfast we 'didn't have time' to eat at home.

It was a bad morning.

Our first destination of the day was a two mile walkathon called the "LifeWalk".  This is our family's new tradition, collecting pledges and walking together to support our local Pregnancy Resource Center.  In our kids' words, raising money to help babies in their mommies' tummies, and to help moms know their babies are special.  All of our kids got involved, and together we raised $200 for something we believe in. 

It was a good thing to do.

After the walk, my parents took the kids, and adoring hubby and I went out for the day.  Alone.  Without the children.  Okay, so we brought the baby with us, but it was still the first time we've been relatively alone for even a few hours since well before he was born. 

While out, we did something else that we don't ever do: we spent money on each other!  Quite a bit of money, by our standards, and it was a little overwhelming to buy expensive gifts.  But it also felt really significant- ten years of marriage should be marked by something a bit on the extravagant side, don't you think?  I feel a little scandalous right now not wearing a wedding ring (especially walking around with five children!), but I can't wait to have it back complete with my new anniversary band!

We had an awesome time together, one of those perfect 'throwback to dating' days with no agenda.  We talked, we fed the baby, we shopped, we went out for lunch, we fed the baby, we looked at diamonds, we bought diamonds (yay!), we fed the baby, we laughed, we had ice cream.  Just like dating...except the baby part.  At the end of our "alone" time, we were refreshed, and we remembered why we usually like each other. 

It was a great day. 

We picked up the kids, who had been to the kite festival with Grandma and Papa, and got an excellent report on their behavior for the day.  But almost instantly, I could tell that Miss M had no intention of making the evening easy for us.  She intended to make us miserable.  Over the next couple of hours, she did her best to ruin the day.

I won't go into detail, but the evening culminated in the kind of tantrum that forces one parent to physically restrain the little-girl-turned-animal creature for hours, while the other parent gathers the four remaining kids into the furthest corner of the house and watches a movie (or listens to music) at an abnormally loud volume.  They wouldn't be able to sleep anyway, and at least this way, while the screams can still be heard, the blasphemy and disrespect is drowned out. 

Sometimes my husband and I have to relieve eachother from the restraining duty.  It's physically, emotionally, and spiritually exhausting, and her rages test our dependence on Christ like nothing else.  This particular tantrum was a payback for going out on our date, a bold statement of "I don't need you. I've got Grandma and Papa and their love isn't threatening to me", mixed with too much excitement and too little sleep.

It was ugly. 

But such is life. 

Sometimes it's bad, sometimes it's good, sometimes it's great, and sometimes it's ugly. 

In our case, it's often the good and the great that cause the ugly.  But we can't stop seeking out the great because it brings the ugliness with it.  It's good for us.  It teaches us.  The bad makes the good great, and the ugly makes the great glorious.  The trick is finding the joy, or at least the peace, in all of it...and learning to rely on God no matter what the day brings.

The Power of Veto

I'm head over heels in love with a smallish gentleman with a receding hairline.  I love him so much that something deep down inside of me flips whenever he smiles.  And I'm pretty sure he has a thing for me, too, because I catch him looking at me all the time!  In fact, something tells me that there's no place on Earth he'd rather be than in my arms, being smothered by my kisses.  And, man, is he beautiful to look at.  A work of art.  A masterpiece of creation.

If I'm being completely honest, I suppose I'd have to say that he's not always a gentleman.  He frequently burps out loud, screams at me, and emits unpleasant odors (even in public), but I love him just the same.  I'm thrilled to have finally met this man of my dreams three months ago, and I know our relationship will last for the rest of our lives.  Hopefully by then he'll have some teeth...and be more than two feet tall.

Let me introduce you to my precious little gentleman,  Baby K.  Isn't he scrumptious?  I thoroughly adore him, as does our entire family, but I have a confession to make.  Baby K was completely unplanned.  We weren’t expecting to have a baby.  Ever again.  Yes, we do understand where babies come from, but in a Biblical marriage, abstinence is simply not an option.  (As a side note, my husband also approves of this arrangement.)  We were taking all the necessary precautions, but God, in His infinite wisdom and mysteriousness, simply exercised His power of veto on our decision to be done.  This, of course, is perfectly within His rights to do - let’s call it a perk of being the Almighty Creator of the universe. 

Have you ever noticed that every single method of birth control available, even sterilization, has a failure rate?  I call it a veto rate.  It represents the number of times God has said something along the lines of “I understand your desire to not have a baby right now, but I respectfully disagree.  And since I’m God….”  End of discussion.

For a few weeks after we found out, I was very upset about being pregnant again.  My "baby" had just turned two, and I was starting to feel some freedom from being tied down with an infant.  I was able to do more things for myself, to use the gifts God had given me in different ways....ways that didn't always involve diapers and bottles.  My husband and I were finally recovering from becoming parents to four children in two years, were learning some therapeutic parenting skills to help with our two traumatized children, and were beginning to thrive as a family.  I had also spent the previous year losing 73 pounds, and I didn't want to start all over again.  I was bummed.  So I spent a few days crying, and then I said:

 "Okay, God, but this one better be a missionary or something...
                           ....and I want an easy delivery!"

As soon as I let go of my own plans and embraced God's plans, I fell in love with that little life inside of me just as easily as I had with the other two.  And now that he's here (it was an easy delivery!), I can't imagine life without him.  Baby K is such an incredible blessing, it makes me sad to think that there was a time when I was sad that he existed.  I was wishing I could turn down one of God's greatest blessings for less

work, a little freedom, and skinny jeans.  How selfish.

I'll be forever grateful that God exercised his veto power and gave us Baby K.  He's a lot of work.  I don't get much sleep, I'm overwhelmed all the time, and I feel like a dairy cow.  Having five kids is tough, but I'm less selfish than I was a year ago...and that makes me truly happy.

Will there be more babies?  Let's just say we're praying on it.  We've decided not to turn down any more blessings for selfish reasons, and we want to do what God wants us to do, not what's easiest for us.  For now, we think our hands are pretty full...but we're very aware that God always has the power of veto!