Crazy?

So, we did it.

We took the giant leap of faith.

Are we crazy?  I have the feeling some may think so.  I understand that it sounds crazy and irresponsible to the world in general to send your son away to a boarding school when the funds aren't in your bank account. 

Perhaps it would have been a better financial decision for our family to let the courts have him.  It would have required less trust and blind faith, that's for sure, but it also would have required leaving all the decisions about our son's future in the hands of people (albeit competent and over-worked people) that don't know our son, don't love our son, and don't really, truly care about our son's heart and his long-term healing.

We felt it was best to leave the decision-making to God, whose love for Mr. J is as incomprehensible as a galaxy full of stars.

And so, in the last few days, we began this new journey of trusting God; of stepping out in faith, and believing beyond a doubt that somehow, God will provide.  Funding, yes.  But mostly, we're trusting God to provide a measure of healing in Mr. J throughout this next year.

We're placing our son, whom we love, securely in the hands of God. 

Yesterday morning at about three o'clock, my husband, my dad, and two of the best friends my husband could ask for set out to pick our son up at Juvenile Detention and to transport him to the facility.  It's about a twelve hour drive, and no one expected Mr. J to be compliant.  In fact, because of his recent violent behavior while incarcerated, everyone feared the worst.  I have to say, though, that God showed up in an incredible way.

And so I share the story of the first miracle of our journey, although I'm going to let my husband tell it, as written to our group of prayer partners last night:

Hello friends, family and prayer warriors,

Forgive me if this rambles a bit or doesn't always make sense - I got about 2 hours of sleep last night.

I don't know how else to say it - we experienced a miracle today.  From the moment J was released from Juvenile Detention to the moment I said goodbye, we had NOT ONE issue the entire 12 hour trip.  I'll say it again - NOT ONE!!!  After all of the violent and assaultive episodes of the past 4 months, there wasn't even a single attitude problem, let alone a violent act.  Considering the God we serve, though, we shouldn't really be surprised.  According to several facebook messages and emails, God was waking people up at various times all over West Michigan, just as the trip was beginning, to cover us with prayer.  On top of all of this, it just so happened that the detention center employee assigned to help J as he was being released was R.  You may remember that R was the believer who prayed for J and talked him through an angry outburst during a visit a few weeks back.  It was no accident that he just happened to be with J this morning.

All of us on the trip were impressed with the facility and staff.  It is absolutely founded on rock solid Biblical principles.  They believe that they are not the ones to help these boys but it is the Holy Spirit working through the Word of God that will accomplish it.  Rather than spending a year away from God in a faithless institution, J is going to be absolutely surrounded by the Word of God and strong men of faith.  It will not be an easy place for him as they require complete obedience in everything, even down to the exact way each student's bed is to be made.  Pretty soon, possibly tomorrow, he begins physical exercise and work detail. 

Please continue to pray for J.  I am sure he is completely terrified right now.  After he said goodbye, he began his time at the facility with Julio, a staff member.  J attempted to manipulate Julio with lies about us, deflecting all blame to others, intimidation (which, considering Julio is built like a Sherman Tank, proved fruitless), tears, and bragging about being tough by assaulting police officers.  This manipulation did not work on Julio, who has seen it all before.  Julio deeply challenged him after J reported that he was already saved.  These challenges actually brought out some real emotion and sadness, which I haven't seen or heard in a long time. 

Please pray for safe travels home tomorrow for four very tired and joyful guys.  We can't get over the fact that God showed up in such a huge way.  I am full of hope because J is where the Lord wants him right now.  After the events of today, I firmly believe it and have more peace than I have had during this whole ordeal.

Thank you for praying.  Please don't stop!  Though we finally can rest a little knowing where J will be, this is only the very beginning of the long road to healing. 

In Christ,
Scott

So that's where it stands right now.  And have I mentioned that I adore my God-fearing husband?  I love him like crazy!

And speaking of crazy...to those who think we are crazy to trust some "supernatural being" with providing for our family and healing our son, I would challenge that you simply do not know the God we serve.  His goodness, His mercy, His depth of love and faithfulness...they are unfathomable.  It's impossible to "foolishly" trust in Him, as long as you are walking in His will.  I would absolutely love to introduce you to the Almighty God of the Bible, and specifically to His son Jesus.  Just drop me an email at mamaandmissm@hotmail.com, and I would be happy to explain our brand of crazy to you!




  

Alone

We have never claimed to be perfect parents.  When you spend so much of your time fighting on the frontlines of a traumatized-child-versus-authority-figure war, there are many times that you end up parenting on the fly, enforcing the first and best thing that pops into your mind at any given moment.  Sometimes, the impulsive ideas are brilliant and work beautifully.  Other times, you look back later and think "Hmmm...that was definitely not my best parenting moment."

We're human.

Parenting a child that is constantly looking for the next chance to one-up you is tiring.  Constantly looking for the next way to gain power over you, the next opportunity to control what you do, the next way to manipulate a situation to make you squirm.  Control is everything to kids with attachment problems, even if gaining perceived control causes them to hurt themselves down at their very core.  Even if it causes them to lose the things that they love the most.  If they feel triumph for even the briefest of moments, they feel powerful...in control...safe.

But then what?  How do they feel afterwards, when the damage has been done?  I mean really, truly, deep down in their hearts...how do they feel?  Happy?  Independent?  Thrilled?  Exhilarated?  Powerful?

I honestly don't think so. 

I think they feel alone.

Totally and completely alone.

Today our son probably felt more powerful and more alone than he's ever felt. 

He doesn't like living here, at least when it comes to being held accountable for his actions, which he is perfectly capable of being held accountable for.  We have raised this child for nearly six years, and we know for a fact that he knows right from wrong and understands what consequences are for.  His ability to discern appropriate behavior and his ability to understand consequences is not in question here.  Of course, like most children, he doesn't enjoy consequences, but his disdain for them is massively aggravated by the fact that they are handed down by us...the very ones that he desperately wants to control.

The problem comes to this: he can't stand it when we, as his parents, exercise authority over him.  He may let it go for weeks at a time, and honestly, when he's been in a calm, regulated state of mind, he doesn't need correction very often.  Maybe that's even part of the problem.  He tries so hard to be perfect so that we never need to tell him that he isn't.  So that he never needs to be corrected. 

Because being corrected by us feels like death to him. 

And sooner or later, it gets too hard to pretend to be "perfect". 

He can't hold it together forever. 

Eventually the pent-up emotions blow, and we find ourselves living with a child we don't even know: a child that isn't respectful for more than a moment at a time, rages about everything, instigates fights about the most insignificant of things and refuses to comply.  This is the child that often needs to be restrained as he bites, head-butts, digs with his nails, and pulls out hair.  A child that so badly wants to be in control of us, that he can't even control himself. 

This is the child that we voluntarily put into the mental hospital. 
So they could help him.

This is also the child who, in typical Attachment Disorder fashion, has not shown one single behavior like these to anyone there, and has painted a picture of life with our family that simply isn't true.  While he is quiet and sad and compliant there, his exaggerations and outright fabrications are easy for non-RAD-trained (or even non-RAD-endorsing) people to believe.

And so our power-hungry, will-do-anything-to-make-Mom-and-Dad-pay-for-the-crime-of-trying-to-love-me-and-raise-me son has scored a big, controlling, painfully earned and significant point today.

And I bet that tonight, this little boy becoming adolescent, the one that I love more than my own life, is lying there in his sterile hospital room...

feeling totally and completely alone.

Our hearts are breaking.

  

Manipulation and Miss M

Manipulation.

It's the biggest tool of a child with an Attachment Disorder, a way for them to control, even in a small way, what happens to them on a day-to-day basis.  My adopted children are experts at manipulation.

Miss M came home from school yesterday thrilled that she had been selected to sing in the school talent show, which is today.  Although I was a bit flustered by the less than twenty-four hour notice, I was pleasantly surprised...even excited...that she had done well enough in her audition last week to be chosen.  See, unlike her 11-year-old brother and her 5-year-old sister, Miss M is not naturally an especially gifted singer...but she tries hard and she really wants to be.  Don't get me wrong, she can usually carry a tune if she's singing with other people that are singing in tune, and sometimes I'll catch her singing a song that doesn't have a lot of different pitches and she sounds pretty good all by herself.  At this point, however, Miss M is definitely not a soloist.  So when she came home all excited, I thought, "Good for her!".  I figured that the song she'd chosen must have been a good fit for her. 

I was wrong.

I spent a good chunk of my evening last night listening to Miss M rehearse for the talent show.  It was awful.  Painful even.  She sang nearly the whole song in a different key than the background track, consistently came in too early or too late, and didn't even remember all the words.  I hadn't helped her before the auditions because she's sung this song for the entire year in our children's choir at church.  In fact, my husband and I wrote the song, so I assumed she knew it well enough for the auditions, although I never expected her to be chosen. 

I helped her all I could last night, and it did improve slightly, but what difference is a few hours going to make when she's already been practicing it for a year?  I found myself thinking "Who on earth would encourage this child to sing in front of her entire school?  She's going to be embarrassed and humiliated by her peers."  I wondered if maybe her audition had somehow been much better, but Miss M said that her music teacher told her she was too quiet, didn't know the words, and wasn't staying with the beat of the song.  So WHY DID SHE PUT HER IN THE TALENT SHOW???!!!

I called the music teacher this morning.  She admitted that Miss M's audition on Friday wasn't good, and that she had discussed this with her.  And then she said something that makes it all clear to me.  She said, and I quote, "But she was just so sweet, and she said she still really wanted to try it anyway."  In other words, the teacher knew what was best, but she let the eight-year-old child decide for herself because she had turned on the charm.

Manipulation.

Sweetness is Miss M's weapon of choice.  Above all else, she desires to be in control.  When she wants something and thinks she may not get it, she becomes the sweetest thing that ever existed.  But it's only a facade.  If it doesn't work and she still doesn't get her way, she may try tears or frustration.  And then she gets livid.  My husband and I can detect the sweetness ploy from a mile away, so she rarely tries it with us anymore, but it works like a charm on unsuspecting prey.

This music teacher is just one more person in a long line of people Miss M has been able to manipulate.  Teachers, babysitters, grandparents, aunts and uncles, Sunday school teachers.  Each time she's able to change an adult's mind about something, each time she argues a "no" and gets it retracted or compromised, each time someone falls to her "sweetness", Miss M gets sicker. 

She learns to rely on herself more, and trusts adults and their judgment less.   

This puts me and my husband in a horrible spot. 

What do we do about the talent show?  Do we pull her out, telling her we know she manipulated the teacher?  Sometimes we have to do things like that.  Do we say nothing, even though she could be laughed at?   While she seems somewhat oblivious to her lack of singing ability, the entire school is not going to be deaf.  I'm not trying to be mean...I'm trying to protect my daughter.  Some of those kids will notice that she's not very good, and some (being children) are going to tell her...and then she'll be heartbroken.  I don't want her to be embarrassed or teased.  But I also don't want her to get away with manipulation once again.  It's just not healthy for her.  So what do we do?

We're constantly forced to weigh the situations she puts us in.  Would it be worse for her healing if we did this or did that?  Would it be better for her if we stepped in or let things be?  We have to analyze everything, and sometimes we have to let things go for the sake of her feelings.  I mean, how do you say to your daughter: "We know your audition was horrible and you only got chosen because you manipulated the teacher?"  How does that help her to form a healthy attachment to us?  Taking this into consideration, we've decided to do nothing this time except give her the best chance to succeed.
     
We took away the background track that Miss M was supposed to use, and replaced it with the actual recording that has people singing on it.  If she hears other people sing, she's usually on key, and she should know when to come in.  It should also help with the words if she forgets them.  Miss M didn't seem thrilled, and my son says this isn't allowed, but forgive me if I feel that the music teacher will just have to deal with it.  I love my daughter, I know what's best for her in this circumstance, and no amount of sweetness, tears or tantrums is going to change it.

So off I go to watch her, smile and wave from the back of the gym, and record her solo debut on the video camera as if she's the next American Idol.  I have to admit that I may not be paying complete attention, though, because at the same time, me and God will be having ourselves a little chat.

And please, people.  I know my children have issues and need more structure than most, but all children need boundaries.  They need to know that when you say NO, there's no room for debate, no point in arguing, and no benefit to manipulation.  They don't even need to know why you said no.  Children, especially mine, are immature and God entrusts them to adults for a reason.  They have to learn to trust that the adults in charge know what's best, and accept that their way is simply the way it is, no questions asked.  For most kids, this is just a good life lesson, but for mine, it's the difference between becoming healthy and dealing with a life-long mental illness.