Labor of Love

It's starting to hurt again.

The bad days, the bad behavior, the bad attitude.
The disrespect, the lying, the words spoken out in absolute unreasonable anger.

It's hurting like crazy again, which means I've allowed the walls around my heart to crumble.  Crack.  Crash down to the ground, which scares the heck out of me.

My heart is unprotected.

I've done it again.  I've allowed the love I have for this hurt little girl to get the best of me, and it makes the good days oh so much better...beautiful, really.  It makes my heart soar.  It makes me happy, and my daughter happy, and it breathes a spark of life into the precious bond that's blossoming before my eyes.

The good days are so good right now.
But the bad days are so bad, and I can't even explain how much it hurts.

It sounds cruel, perhaps.  It isn't purposeful.  When someone hurts you day after day after day for years on end, rejects you, spews hate at you, I suppose it's human nature to protect your heart.  To not allow yourself to get too close or to care too much.  To become almost hard-hearted and indifferent, building walls sky-high, for then you aren't caught off-guard when the inevitable happens again.

A sturdy wall never leaves you shattered and broken, scrambling to pick up the pieces of your heart. 

But a sturdy wall never leaves room to build a bridge between two wounded hearts, either. 

My pain is necessary for my daughter to heal.  

Like the birthing of a baby, when the labor pains are so excruciating you feel you can't possibly go on for one more fraction of a moment, and then somehow you endure, and you persevere, and you set all the determination of your spirit on the one thing you know you must do.  At the end of all that pain, there's the unspeakable joy of having brought a whole new child into the world, and you know you would go through all that pain again and again for the miracle of that child.

I didn't birth this daughter, but I'm laboring for her all the same.   

At the end of all this pain, this labor of love, I believe I'll have the unspeakable joy of having brought a whole new child into the world.  A whole, happy, healthy, loved and loving, securely attached child. 

And I know I'd go through it all again for the miracle of that child.
___________________________________________________________________


I cried out today: "God, help me to love her whole-heartedly, with everything in me.  I can't do it on my own.  No matter how much it hurts, Lord, help me love her with my whole heart."

Softly, He spoke to my soul:  "You already do."

My Father is so good to me, He's with me on my way.
He watches every step I take, He hears each word I say.
Sometimes He smiles at my attempts, sometimes He hangs His head,
Sometimes His strong arms hold me up when I've left myself for dead.
No matter all the ugliness that's left my sinful tongue,
No matter all my gross misdeeds, the sorry tunes I've sung,
My Father has not left my side, not even for a day.
He'll walk with me through this dark night. Oh, Father, lead the way.

January 15th

Betrayal.
                                                          Confession.
Anger.
                                                          Remorse.
Agony.
                                                          Repentance.
Anguish.
                                                          Redemption.
My eyes were opened.
                                                          His eyes were opened.


                    Brokenness.


January 15th, long past.


The day our marriage fell apart, when the sun refused to shine.

                               The day our marriage began, when the Son began to shine.

The night that light and snow claimed darkness
                                                   and shone beams up to heaven.

                 The night that Light and blood claimed Darkness and shone
        Love into heaven,
                                a place prepared.


January 15th, when the rebuilding began.


First, the Father. And the Spirit. And the Son.
Then the two that are one.
Not just me. Or him. Not just him and me.
But Him in me, and Him in him.
And then the two are three,
And the three are one.


Walking together, living life full and not empty.

Life with meaning, life with purpose.

Days past and days to come.

Until death.



Recommitted.
                                                           Reborn.
Hoping.
                                                           Learning.
Healing.
                                                           Loving.
Helping.                              
                                                           Leading.
Walking with God.
                                                           Walking with God.


           Hopelessly in love.


Beautiful, horrible, wonderful January 15th.

I will be forever grateful for you.

It's Hard to Hug a Porcupine

It's hard to hug a porcupine, they really are quite prickly.

Your instinct is to turn around and run away quite quickly.

For if you venture close to one, there really is no doubt,

There will be a confrontation and some quills will fling about.

Yes, it's hard to hug a porcupine, or even to go near one,

You know what she can do to you- there's reason you should fear one.

Just when you let your guard down and you show her some affection,

She'll do her best to injure you, shoot quills in your direction.



Oh, it's hard to hug a porcupine, to cuddle would be silly,

And if you could avoid one, well, it would be wise to, really,

But if you have no choice to, put a leather vest and glove on,

Protect yourself most carefully if you've a porcupine to love on.



RAD kids are like porcupines, they seem all kind and gentle,

Until you try to love one you don't know they're temperamental.

As soon as you get close to one, to love, to be a mother,

The prickly porcupine comes out; they'll fight you like no other.



And it's hard to love a porcupine, to even want to see one.

It helps to think of all the things that caused your child to be one,

But still the daily struggle, when they hate you with a passion,

Soon it breaks your will to love and wears away compassion.



How do you hug a porcupine, when her quills stand at the ready?

How do you choose to love her?  And to keep your temper steady?

You arm yourself with righteousness and truth and faith and prayer,

And you trust the love of Jesus to teach your porcupine you care. 

¹⁰ Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. ¹¹ Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. ¹² For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. ¹³ Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. ¹⁴ Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, ¹⁵ and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. ¹⁶ In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. ¹⁷ Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

Ephesians 6:10-17